Ampersand Gazette #96

September 1, 2025

Welcome to the Ampersand Gazette, a metaphysical take on some of the news of the day. If you know others like us, who want to create a world that includes and works for everyone, please feel free to share this newsletter. The sign-up is here. And now, on with the latest …

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Why You Should Send Thank-You Notes,

Even Years Later

Your assignment today: Write a note of gratitude to someone to whom your thanks are overdue. It might be a schoolteacher, a relative, a former colleague or boss, or someone who did you a huge favor.

Frustrated by the vitriol in so much of what we read and hear, I began asking my business students at Stanford for an antidote: Surprise someone with a long overdue email saying thank you. And make it cinematic. Make the recipient laugh and cry.

We’ve all read of the psychic benefits of generosity. Yet not enough people reap them through thank-you notes. Many of my students have been stunned by the reaction to such emails.

I’m struck by how many of the recipients said they had never received emails like this, said they wept and roared and said they needed this as validation for oft-thankless work, or because life had been tough.

Consider the responses to other such notes: “I’m not sure I’ve ever read anything that made me prouder,” one wrote. Another, in Trumpian caps: “YOU CAN’T IMAGINE HOW HAPPY YOUR EMAIL MADE ME!!!” Another: “One gets older, and messages like this really touch the heart.” And finally: “God bless you!”

I encourage my students to write at least one such note daily. Give it a try.

Excerpted from an Opinion Essay in The New York Times
“Why You Should Send Thank You Notes, Even Years Later”
August 22, 2024

It will come as no surprise to those who know me that my lineage includes decades of thank-you note writers. In fact, whenever I received a gift from someone far away as a child, I wasn’t allowed to have that gift until the thank you note had been written, approved, and mailed. Yes, with a stamp.

Not only do I like to write thank-you notes, but I like to receive them, especially the thoughtful ones. The thank you notes from this essay are different from the ones I grew up writing. Mine were about manners. These are about acknowledgment. Another story, indulge me.

It was my grandparents fiftieth wedding anniversary. I was living in New York City, working on Broadway, and having the time of my life. My mom cooked up a scheme for me to arrive unannounced at their party in the White Mountains.

A lot of travel ensued for a heartfelt reason. My grandfather answered the door mid-story himself with a practiced, “Hello, nice to see you! Come in. Let me get you a drink.” He did not look at me.

“Grandpa,” I said, and then came his expected delight. Only granddaughter, made good, comes to surprise her grandparents. Great narrative. Hallmark moments.

Well, nothing would do but that he take me around to meet everyone there, much bragging opportunity. Not to be missed.

At one point, on the sunporch, he said, “And this is our new friend, Phyllis Fangman …”

I froze. Out of my mouth came, “Oh my God, you were my favorite teacher ever!” The thrill on her face was priceless.

Miss Fangman taught ninth-grade anatomy, and she was on fire when she did it. I loved that class, loved it, and loved her for her enthusiasm. (She was also a butch dyke which I hadn’t known at the time, but made a whole lot of sense to me by then.) We had a swell visit.

These are the kinds of thank you notes that make people’s days. Mine happened to be live action, but you take my point.

Unexpected. Out of the blue. Reeking of honesty. Seeing the person, really seeing them, and saying so.

Have you felt disheartened lately? Want a pick-me-up? Connect. That’s the task. Connect to someone who mattered to you. Write an acknowledgment to your Miss Fangman. You’ll feel great, and it’ll make her day.

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How to Stop Being So Judgy

We pass judgment all the time, and sometimes we don’t realize we’ve done it. But regularly condemning others can reduce your empathy, make you less receptive to new perspectives and leave you more prone to reactive responses, said Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist in New York City. And research suggests that the more you judge, the worse you feel. I asked experts what to do instead.

Notice when you’re judging.

It may require “a vigilant eye” not to shift from assessment to judgment. Dr. Hafeez said recommended asking yourself: Why does this matter to me?

Explore your reaction.

The next time you’re being judgmental, turn the lens on yourself, said Erica Schwartzberg, a psychotherapist in New York City, and figure out what is prompting these feelings.

Swap judgment for curiosity and empathy.

Summon empathy for the person and to get curious about their circumstances, Dr. Hafeez said: “Question instead of presume.”

When you’re curious instead of judgmental, Schwartzberg added, you “make room for the complexity that lives in all of us — including ourselves.”

I still have to check myself when I have the gavel out. I was at my kid’s band performance recently, and I was irritated by the row of parents in front of me. “All of them have been on their phones the whole time,” I whispered to my friend. “Why bother coming?”

“Who cares?” she whispered back. Correct.

Excerpted from a Well Column by Jancee Dunn in The New York Times
“How to Stop Being So Judgy”
May 23, 2025

“Just use good judgment.” We hear it all the time. Implicit is that judgment is a skill to be cultivated.

When you’re about to get out of your vehicle, and you see a Bengal Tiger on the sidewalk, stay in the car. This is that kind of judgment. It’s practical.

But it’s also misleading.

Judgment has a bum rap in spiritual circles. Most often it’s upgraded to discernment. More often, it’s practiced as judgment.

The kind of judgment Ms. Dunn is citing is, at its core, condemnation. Hugely different from noticing Bengal Tigers whenever and wherever they appear.

This kind of judgment has a subtext: I’m right, whoever else is wrong. Tsk.

There is a middle path between common sense judgment and condemnatory judgment. It’s called witness, and we ignore its power at our own risk.

You can notice whatever anyone else is doing, and not make it wrong. You can witness it, also called observe it, note it, and make a determination about your own behavior in connection to whatever it is—all without judgment.

Judgment is actually a way of not showing up. And not experiencing the effect of whatever it is. This is always an option, but it robs you of a wealth of experiences, Beloved, I promise.

The next time you catch yourself in a judgment that doesn’t concern you, stop. Evaluate the experience. I bet it’s not yours to judge. And that makes you even more like the image and likeness of that by Whom you were created.

For your own sake, it behooves you to learn to skip judgment. Witness things. Make choices about these things. It’s not easy learning to lead like this but when you do, the world and your life in it become an exceedingly special place.

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Here’s a universal affirmation. It works every time, for everyone, always and forever …

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So, yeah, there was this plot twist, which, by its very definition was unexpected. You know what I did expect, though? To get home and immediately go back to life as usual, and it turns out, not so much.

I think the proper name for that is wishful thinking.

Except … the thing is, sure, the crisis is over. Thank you, Mother, but the healing is ongoing. When I got home I was still taking antibiotics. Now that’s over. I still have 3 of 5 doctor appointments to get done. Two of them aren’t even scheduled yet! Oops, got one since I wrote that. So one down, one to go.

I had a rough side effect from one of the new meds I was tasked with taking. Wheezing, but wheezing bad enough that I felt I couldn’t breathe. Scary. Vewy. So now there are meds to counteract that one.

I’m still on a waiting list for one more appointment, but that fact notwithstanding, I did get to see my PCP this week, and what a boon that was! First, she’s terrific, but also, such a good listener. It’s amazing. She’s the one who’s having to manage this side effect for me.

I saw the Infectious Diseases guy this morning, and he wants me to soak in hydrogen peroxide two-three times a day to help the healing along. I’ll see the Foot Guy tomorrow to get that okayed, and the end of summer drones on.

I’m back on my exercise bicycle, and whoa, the password is slow-going. Fifteen minutes feels like the Boston Marathon.

As a result, not a lot of writing or publishing news, but I’m sure Tony and I will be back to reading Impending Decision soon enough, and that he’ll get into editing the final Subversive

Lovelies book. I’ll figure out a way to use this whole plot twist experience in a book. You know it. When it comes to plotlines, authors have no morals.

P.S. Great report from the Foot Guy. He did a little minor surgery in the office to good effect, and no soaking. One less thing to do.

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Soon enough, it will be time to feature the complete series of The Subversive Lovelies. Here are the first three-and-a-half books.

As always, whichever book of mine you enjoy, would you please leave a stellar review, if you loved it? Those reviews are how others find indie authors like me. I really appreciate it!

Reviews really are the engine that powers the career of an indie author.

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Tony Amato is my favorite editor for lots of reasons, but mostly because he has an uncanny ability to seek, find, recognize, and polish the truth of a writer’s voice. There’s a good reason he calls what he does book-husbanding.

The coolest thing is, the genre doesn’t matter. His skills apply. I write mysteries, romances, speculative fiction, essays, and nonfiction. Others of his roster write for academic journals, radio plays, micro-fiction, erotica, memoir, poetry, screenplays, essays, workbooks, teleplays—you name it. His talents help with any kind of writing.

If the truth of your voice as a writer is in need, may I encourage you to reach out for Tony’s spectacular book-husbanding? Seriously, this is the guy. He’s edited my books for more than 20 years, so I ought to know. Find him here. Oh, and here’s his substack Subscribe here.

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As you can imagine, being mid-plot twist,
I did very little reading,
so no book review in this issue, but …

I’d very much like to recommend a website to you:

color-meanings.com

Jacob Olesen is its proprietor, and he’s as color-fascinated as I am. I thoroughly enjoy his writing, and his information is of excellent vintage.

Jacob is on a mission to amass 100,000 color fans.
Sign up for his charming weekly newsletter

HERE.