Ampersand Gazette #82

Welcome to the Ampersand Gazette, a metaphysical take on some of the news of the day. If you know others like us, who want to create a world that includes and works for everyone, please feel free to share this newsletter. The sign-up is here. And now, on with the latest … 

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Tenderness as an Act of Resistance

Credit...Jennifer Latour/NYT 

The first time I interviewed the internationally renowned children’s author Kate DiCamillo, a teenager in Uvalde, Texas had just killed 19 elementary school students and two of their teachers. I called Ms. DiCamillo because a post she wrote on Facebook told me she was grieving. I was grieving too. 

She told me about talking with some schoolchildren earlier that day. “They were all about the same age as the kids would’ve been in Texas, and I thought, ‘I am so heartbroken,’” she said. “And then I thought, ‘That’s my job: to stay heartbroken, to stay heartbroken about this.’” 

Her words have been echoing in my mind. This time it’s because nearly every hour of every day now, another cause for keening grief has erupted from a presidency built entirely for destruction. What kind of president … ? [I’ve deleted her list of atrocities—we each have our own versions.] 

We have to stay heartbroken about this. Fury is a powerful motivator of resistance, but there is only so much rage a person can harbor without nurturing something cold and still and hard in the place where a warm, living heart once beat. Already I am exhausted by my own fury. This is, of course, their plan. Paying too little attention is what got us into this mess. We can’t change what’s already done, but we can let the anarchists know we’re watching now. 

I am also trying to keep my own heart soft, to follow Kate DiCamillo’s lead and let it be broken. I am trying to set anger aside and give myself over to the simplicity of grief. At least I can bear witness. I can grieve. The question is how a heart can be broken again and again and again and not fall into a fruitless desolation. How is it possible to protect a tender heart when it’s dangerous to turn away from what is breaking it? 

In truth, not one of us is safe. I emailed Ms. DiCamillo to ask if she had figured out yet how to keep letting herself be heartbroken without becoming broken forever. 

“I fall into the mineshaft of despair over and over again, and over and over again something (the moon, an eagle, the snow) or someone—a stranger who looks me in the eye and smiles, a grandparent who tells me about reading aloud to their grandchild, will reach down to pull me out,” she wrote. “I’ve learned to not resist these hand-holds. I’ve learned to let the beauty of the world and the bravery of other people pull me up and out of the despair.” 

All around us, too, is beauty. Anger lets in too little beauty, but heartbreak? A tender heart feels the fury and the fear, the sorrow and suffering, the beauty and the bravery alike. In the years ahead, we will need them all. 

from a Guest Essay by Margaret Renkl in the New York Times
“Tenderness as an Act of Resistance”
February 10, 2025 

Generally speaking, human beings tend to avoid broken-heartedness. It’s understandable. Broken hearts are often painful hearts, and our species, as a rule, is pain-avoidant. 

But breakage of all kinds has its advantages. How’s that for counterintuitive? 

I am no stranger to broken hearts. I tend to think of both of my major ones as a T in the road. No gentle splitting and arcing away of paths, not with heartbreak. A full-stop T. The message in all such full-stops is choose. Sometimes with a single word added, most often in caps, NOW. 

Choose. NOW. 

The two major heartbreaks of my life were the death of my father when I was five, and the death of my son when I was thirty. I do not write this for sympathy. I write it to demonstrate that broken-heartedness can, with enough living, be overcome. 

Both required the willingness to go on, not despite a broken heart, but with a broken heart. Both required that I grieve, and the process of that grieving gifted me with tenderness. 

Tender is a fascinating word etymologically. It has three different meanings. One is from Old French and means to be kind or solicitous; that comes from roots meaning delicate. A second is a verb from legal Latin which means to offer or present; that comes from roots meaning to stretch or hold forth. The third is a noun that refers to a vehicle of some kind; that comes from Middle English and means nurse, or attendant. Such riches. 

They all have one thing in common which is that each one centers the giving, and not the giver, and the giver is the griever. Kindness, stretching, nursing … all behaviors designed to soothe, succor, and sweeten. 

Tenderness is an ingredient in a lot of human interaction, or it needs to be. I agree with Ms. Renkl. The world seems to be in the stranglehold of a bewildering tenderness deficit these days, and the Chicken Little reactivity ratchets up (and down) (and up again) by the moment. 

Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley, before their success with Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, wrote another musical. I’ve never seen it. I’ve never heard a note of its score. I don’t even know the plot. But the first time I heard its title, I remembered it instantly. Stop the World: I Want to Get Off. Some days, these days, I want to scream that. 

But, Belovèd, as Ms. DiCamillo says, and Ms. Renkl echoes, it’s a rougher road, but a far more gratifying one, instead, to stay with our broken hearts, and stretch to receive the tenderness they gift us. 

You’ll note that the things that make these two authors feel better are small, personal experiences, not big demonstrations. Individual encounters—a flower, a baby’s coo, a pat on the back, a smile in the produce aisle. 

One of the ways that the Blessed Mother showed me how to heal after Isaac died was, believe it or not, in the grocery store. For almost two years, every time I saw a baby in a grocery cart, my heart would break all over again, and I’d leave my cart in some aisle to go haring home in tears once more. The diapers/formula aisle undid me. 

Then one day, I started to play peek-a-boo with a little one who had been screaming at the top of her lungs. She stopped crying. Her mother turned around, her eyes searching for whatever had resolved the tantrum, and saw me. Mom smiled. I smiled, and I said, “It’s hard some days, no?” She rolled her eyes. I patted her shoulder, blew a kiss at the baby, and sashayed past them, my heart a tiny bit healed. 

I didn’t understand till many years later that although I was grieving the loss of our son, I was also grieving (and being prepared for) the loss of what I’d thought had been my future. That’s where a lot of civilization is right now. Ms. Renkl tells us in her heart-aching words how to begin to heal: 

Stay tender. Let the hurt be. Grieve. Bear witness. Look for, stretch, and offer, then receive the small things. 

Because, Belovèd, it’s the small things that we do in the day-to-day that on their own add up to the big changes, and the new future we so desire.

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The Secret of Life Is Not to Be Frightened

The writer and painter Frederic Tuten, 88, insists, “I never had an ambition to be a painter, to be a writer. I had a yearning. It was a yearning for life, and I equated life with the life of an artist, a life of freedom, generosity, a life with other people who had the same interests in making beautiful things together. I thought that was everything in the world.”

At 15, I dropped out of high school. My dream was to save enough money to live in Paris. I’d seen “An American in Paris,” with Gene Kelly. He falls in love with a young Frenchwoman, and I remember so vividly, so poignantly, how I felt watching them together. I thought, I want that. I want to meet a young woman like that, and we would become lovers. And that I would paint and that that would be my life.

I had a friend, John Resko; he was a writer, a painter and my neighbor. I had told him: “When I try to write, I get anxious. I want to leave, to go down to the street for a cigarette.” He said to me: “I guess you haven’t realized yet, the adventure isn’t outside in the street. The adventure is at your desk.” That’s the place you discover new things.

The secret is not to be frightened, not to give in to PC thinking. I’ve learned some of that from the women I’ve loved. When I’m with a woman I care for, I feel most myself. Somehow that relationship settles my anxiety, my feeling of smallness. That relationship wants me to become generous, to become loving and tender, to be part of making beautiful things. If you’re lucky enough to have the right connection, the right person, you grow.

I’m writing a new novel. I feel at this crazy time that I’m beginning again. The extraordinary thing is that I look forward to doing the work. I can’t wait to get down to it.

I wake up in the morning, have coffee and write. After that I go to my easel and paint. It’s a rhythm that keeps me feeling alive. It eliminates any notion of age. You’re not old, you’re not young, you’re in the moment.

A famous actress once asked me: “How are you so joyous at your age? All of us are so despairing. You talk like you’re a kid,” and I said, “I am a kid.”

from an Unstoppables Column by Ruth La Ferla in The New York Times
“The Secret of Life Is Not to Be Frightened”
January 12, 2025 

When I read this interview, I must have been feeling somewhat cynical because I remember my first thought at the headline was: Oh, okay. Great. I’ll just flip that pesky little toggle switch on fear. Done and done. 

There is no toggle switch on fear. I wish. Or, not a physical one. 

One of the many wise axioms found in the Anonymous Programs of all stripes is that fear is really an acronym; it stands for F alse E vidence A ppearing R eal. As it was originally explained to me it meant that it would be a good idea to leave behind my career as an emotional litigator—building a case for my every notion. 

Over the years, though, as I counseled people, the E morphed for me. It came to mean E ducation. As in: false education appearing real. What I mean by it is that we learn to fear, we learn how to think about life, we learn values, we learn beliefs, and because these are things we learn, we get to examine them when they arise and decide whether we believe in them or not, whether they still serve us or not. 

A lot of the cultural mythologies around being an artist—a writer, or a painter, or any other kind is that we exist at the whim of creativity, and we must wait for the muse to deign to arrive. As someone who has been a writer since a single-digit age, I beg to differ. Part of all art is showing up—at the page, at the easel, wherever you make art. We learn what being an artist is, and we can learn new things to enhance its meaning if we so desire. 

Every time we go to change beliefs that we’ve found, at some earlier time, a comfort, there is an element of fear, but it’s the education we have around the belief, the idea, the new notion, that causes it. 

Here’s a way to work with that: Ask the fear … 

Who did I learn you from?
Do I need to keep you?
What do I get from keeping you?
Where do I feel you in my body?
Do I like the sensation?
What might I consider in your place? 

All of these questions are based on an assumption, Belovèd, which is that everything in our own interiority was originally created as a blessing. Now either this is true or it isn’t.  

Having worked with artists of a great many artforms for more than 40 years, I can assure you that everything inside you arose with the original intention of blessing you. Do we outgrow those things? Of course. If we’re alive, if we’re changing, if we’re engaging with life. 

Mr. Tuten says that when he is with a woman he loves, he wants to become tender. Kind, offering, attentive. These things can just as easily be applied to everyday life, and especially one’s own artform as to a love relationship. 

Connecting to the moment is the toggle switch for fear, Dear One. Anyone can find it. 

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Here’s a universal affirmation. It works every time, for everyone, always and forever …

Well, here’s a little mystery … no matter what I did, the program would NOT upload an image here so it’s down to black and white typeface:

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And in publishing news …  

 I found my WordPress wizard, and signed a contract this week. Our goal is to have the blog, up, running, and public by March 11. Have you thought about these wings? What would it mean to you if they were yours? And have you given your intangible superpower any thought? Write and tell me about it. I’m serious. The world needs a cohort of creatives who are doing their divine work!

The Mex In-Betweens are up on Amazon as ebooks and paperbacks. If you’re a Mex fan, you’ll enjoy the backstories. If you’re not yet, these thirteen short stories are a way to ease into all ten supernatural musical mysteries. 

The first, Oklahoma! Hex, is as always permafree. Try it—you might like it.

I am delighted to report that the Writing Angels said Go. How’s this for an unmistakable message?

I burst into laughter! That was February 5, 2024. 

Faithful to my guidance as always, I started in for real on February 6, 2025. As of this writing, I am already 14,772 words into Impending Decision, Book Five of The Boots & Boas Romances, the saga of attorney Jamie Jenkins and his about-to-graduate-from-law-school paralegal, Jayne Jordyn Jewell. 

I fell into Jaq Direct, the final book of The Subversive Lovelies, my speculative fiction series, on the same day as Impending Decision, so I am at last writing two fiction books, in two completely different worlds, at the same time. It’s a fascinating experience. Jaq is set in 1907; Jayne is set in late 2020. What it means is that I get to be totally disciplined about my time. Borderline rigid.  

I still haven’t gotten to the Besieged edits, no matter that they’re calling to me. I am, however, continuing my research into the 1980s HIV/AIDS experience. Also, the mechanisms of blood, what it does, how it works, how its history has played out from the beginning of time. Amazing, the things I read these days that I never expected to read. 

The doors are a sneak preview of the covers of the whole series, bar one.

The Taber’s Medical Dictionary I preordered comes on Monday! So the tiny courses go back onto my plate. The first four courses will be Body, Heart, Mind, Spirit chakra teachings. Each is a dive into one aspect of learning how to have Exponential Energy—something we all need right now. Fortunately the Universe is a conspiracy for good so I had an invitation to visit Lauren Grace, my soul sister in Australia, and chat on her award-winning Afterlight Podcast last week about Energy Leaks. I’ll let you know when it’s live. 

As you know Impending Decision, the fifth book of The Boots & Boas Romances, is in the initial writing stage. 14,772 words to date. Jaq Direct is ongoing as well. 15,560 words to date. Also, Ampersand Gazette, ongoing. And I’m beginning to get seriously organized for iwritewhatsyoursuperpower.com   

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My review request this issue is … first, a great big thank you to those who left a review! And, if you love speculative fiction, would you please read Jezebel Rising—the permafree book that starts my Subversive Lovelies? If you love it, would you leave a stellar review? I need THREE MORE reviews of four stars and above to do one of my special series promotions … please. This will take you right there. 

Here's one as a possible inspiration for your own … 

5.0 out of 5 stars Wow! Great introduction to feminism and the Divine

Reviewed in the United States on July 23, 2024

Started this book because of the author, but well before mid-book I found myself drawn to the Bailey girls (Jezebel, Jasmine, Gemma, and Jaq). These books, like all well-written historical fiction, have in turn led to exploration of many of the ideas & people that populate them. (Currently I know a lot about Clara Driscoll and her work with/for Louis Comfort Tiffany LOL) I have thoroughly enjoyed every book in this series and can't wait for Jaq's story. 

Reviews really are the engine that powers the career of an indie author. 

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As I’m so fond of saying, I know a guy. Tony Amato is my favorite editor for lots of reasons. Tony has a magical combination of talents that serves authors and their books in a way unlike any other editor I know, or know of. May I encourage you to reach out if you need book-husbanding?  

Now more than ever the whole world needs your creative input. Really, if it’s about books—you name it, he’s done it. Like I said, if you need anything in your writing life, Tony Amato is the person. Find him here.  

P. S. Did you have a chance to visit Tony’s substack? Tony Amato, as you know my favorite editor, has a new substack. He’s writing about writing and he’s sharing some of his own fiction. Last week’s post flayed me. Subscribe here. 

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The Mind of the Censor & The Eye of the Beholder: The First Amendment and the Censor's Dilemma 

by Robert Corn-Revere 

from the Amazon blurb: “Beginning in the nineteenth century with Anthony Comstock, America's “censor in chief,” The Mind of the Censor and the Eye of the Beholder explores how censors operate and why they wore out their welcome in society at large. The historic examples illustrate not just the mindset and tactics of censors, but why they are the ultimate counterculture warriors and why, in free societies, censors never occupy the moral high ground. “
Robert Corn-Revere is a First Amendment Attorney who has argued multiple cases in front of the Supreme Court. This guy knows his stuff. He devotes three major chapters to Anthony Comstock and his tricksy tactics—not one of which is legal any more. 

More to the point, he explains his thesis intimately, which is that censorship, and censors themselves, contain within themselves the seeds of their own destruction. It is rare for a censor not to become obsessed with their censoring, and one of the magnificent side effects thereof is to draw the attention of the public to the exact thing the censor wants banned. Brilliant. 

For anyone who is perturbed by the book-banning in our world, or the wholesale censorship of identities, or the destruction of D.E.I. initiatives, this book is a goldmine. 

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Are you waiting for a sign?
How about this one? 

This is an image of

Raziel,

The Archangel of Secrets & Mysteries 

Their task is to hold secrets
until we unearth them ourselves,
and to discern mysteries
for us to understand
when we’re ready. 

What if everything around us right now
holds deep within its seeming chaos
the tender genesis of multiple blessings
for all of us? 

I am, without doubt, certain that And is the secret to all we desire.
Let’s commit to practicing And ever more diligently, shall we? 

Until next time,
Be Ampersand.  

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