Ampersand Answers: Manners Can Be Fun

“But the damage that cuts deepest is never financial, legal or institutional. As one of [Adam] Smith’s greatest contemporaries, Edmund Burke, knew, it lies in something softer and less tangible but also more important: manners. ‘Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine us,’ Burke wrote. ‘It is,’ he warned, ‘through manners that laws are either made or unmade, upheld or corrupted.’ 

Excerpted from an Opinion Essay by Bret Stephens in The New York Times
“Our Petty, Hollow, Squalid Ogre in Chief”
December 17, 2025

The Question: 

How do I cope with the ill manners all around me? 

&mpersand Answers: 

When I was a kid, maybe nine or ten, my mom bought me a record album—yes, a record album—called “Manners Can Be Fun.” As I recall, the gist of the material was stories about manners, and how they saved the day, sort of manners as superheroine, if you will. 

She also sent me to modeling school, and girls scouts, and Junior Assembly—and a whole host of other These-Are-the-Things-You-Need-to-Know-To-Be-A-Civilized-Adult classes. I don’t know why she didn’t think I’d learn all of that from her since she knew it all already, but there you are. I had to take class. 

I learned how to answer a proper invitation—properly. How to set a formal table. How to choose what fork I needed to choose to be correct. How to say no to a boy. A zillion other things. Most of these would be listed under etiquette these days. 

I asked AI “What is the difference between manners and etiquette?” You will note that Mr. Stephens’ quotation from Edmund Burke is about manners, not etiquette. Here’s what it said: 

“Manners are about inherent kindness, respect, and consideration (e.g., saying "please," "thank you"), focusing on making people feel good, while etiquette is the specific "rulebook" for different situations (formal dinners, business meetings) to ensure proper conduct, acting as a framework for those manners. Think of manners as the why (kindness) and etiquette as the how (specific actions like using the correct fork), with etiquette changing by culture/context but core manners remaining universal.” 

It’s what I would have said off the top of my head, or close enough. Manners, for the sake of &mpersanding, unite. Etiquette can divide, especially if it’s class-based. Manners grease the wheels of everyday interactions.  

Like this: whenever a service person answers the phone and reveals their name, I ask how they are … BEFORE I commence my business. People are shocked. Seriously. Shocked at being asked. They’re not accustomed to being seen other than as the roles they play. 

I don’t like to be treated solely based on the role I’m playing, unless I’m onstage and doing it on purpose. I like to be seen as a person first. Don’t you? That’s manners. Simple manners. 

They have remarkable superpowers, manners. They can set the tone for anything, and more vitally, reset the tone if it’s gone off the rails. Manners are the grease on the squeaky wheels of reality, and ought to be used liberally. 

All of us like to be treated with manners, so why not give that gift to others first? Sure, it’s hard to do with some people. I don’t know how I’d manage with the ogre Mr. Stephens mentions, but I do know that manners are the wisest default for anyone who wants uniting to be at the core of their life experience. 

Plain old, simple manners. Please. Thank you. I’m sorry. I beg your pardon. The simple ideas and phrases that are inherently kind, respectful, and considerate. Dust yours off, especially on the days when you’d prefer to screech your displeasure. Dust your manners off and use them. Model them for yourself and for others. Manners are a guarantee of an easier time of it. It’s inherent in them.