Ampersand Answers: Alexithymia

“This story, of masculinity’s raid on the interior life—its hollowing out of the imagination and ransacking of private language—feels inescapable right now.” 

Excerpted from an article in The New York Times by Parul Sehgal
“The ‘Masculinity Crisis’ Is Real. This Book Explains Why.”
December 23, 2025 

The book Ms. Sehgal is referencing is called “Self-Made Man,” by Norah Vincent; it came out in 2005, for inquiring minds that want to know. 

The Question:  

How can I be on the healing side of all humans of every ilk? 

&mpersand Answers:  

Ms. Sehgal asserts that masculinity has become a problem just like femininity has been for years and years. I’m not sure I agree with that. In fact, I don’t. 

Each binary has its own challenges, built into itself, but also due to cultural mores. In this story, Norah, as a lark, goes undercover as Ned, and begins to participate in male-oriented social structures. Her observation is that men are lonely—desperately. 

That men want to talk about themselves, and their feelings, but that they learn at a cellular level not to. There’s even a diagnostic psych word for it: alexithymia. The inability to name emotions, literally being without the words. 

Well, that happens to all people, not just men, but I will concur that socially, a certain class of men has not been encouraged to traffic in their own emotions. It’s a case of use it or lose it. We get better at the things we do regularly. That’s not rocket science. 

So how to help someone who’s struggling to access and name their feelings? 

First, hold still. Sometimes all that’s needed is a container for the feelings. 

Second, be quiet. Let the one who is struggling struggle. You only get good at what you work at. 

Third, resist filling in the blank. You don’t know what the other is feeling—especially if they don’t know! (Oh, you might, but telling someone is akin to stealing the punchline of a joke. Don’t do it.) 

Just get comfortable with being uncomfortable emotionally.  

If you’ll think about the one who’s having trouble talking about their feelings, you’ll realize that they’re the ones in whom the discomfort sources. Sit in witness.  

No one died of discomfort. 

Fourth, make NO suggestions. That’s right, none. There is nothing so empowering as figuring out something about oneself. Give that soul the gift of your patience, and let them figure it out.  

Fifth, wait for a request for help before you do. Helping is the wrong model in these situations anyway. A helper is one-up. A witness is parallel to the witnessee.  

Be a companion, not a teacher (even if, like me, you are a teacher.) Just be with the one struggling. Sometimes getting into motion is a good idea in these scenarios. Take a slow, quiet walk together. Hold the discomfort. 

Affirm that your friend or loved one can do this. We’re all made to deal with our own emotions. (Barring mental illness.) Just be. 

You’ll be surprised to find that solutions come very quickly in these situations when we leave the struggle where it belongs. Try it the next time this happens, and let me know how it goes.