The Real Thing
I just finished a session with a really nice guy, a really nice guy, and it’s not working for him any more. It’s not that nice guys finish last. No, not at all. It’s that being a nice guy is a false stance. Does that shock you?
There’s nothing wrong with being a nice guy, but the tip-off for me in the session was that he kept saying, “I keep trying to be a nice guy.” Keyword: trying. To whom was it trying? To my client.
Now, don’t misunderstand me. Being a nice guy is a nice thing. Better that than being a mean guy to be sure. The issue is why. Why was he trying to be such a nice guy? And why did he have to try at all? Why wasn’t he simply a nice guy because he was simply a nice guy? There’s, to coin a phrase, the rub.
If you have to try to be nice, something’s not right, something’s off. And what is off? In a word: authenticity. It’s not that he was lying about who he is. It’s that he’s trying to be something he’s not. Who is hurt by this? The guy, and every relationship he has.
Whoa!
What’s to do?
Change your priorities—pronto. Instead of being a nice guy or trying to be, the far wiser goal is to be a real guy, an authentic person. When you are authentic, you interface with others out of your own authority. When you are inauthentic, you trade away your authority to others and are weakened in the bargain. Ouch.
Being real—no matter how ugly it gets, and humans can get ugly—is far preferable to being nice. I know that sounds like it flies in the face of the Golden Rule, but it really doesn’t. Being real, like the Velveteen Rabbit, is a worthy goal.
Being real means being honest, knowing yourself, feeling your feelings, telling the truth about them. Being real means being in the moment, not trying, just being. Yes, being. For my money, the real thing is far preferable to trying to meet an idealized self-image that isn’t who you really are.
And if it turns out that you can be nice in the bargain, go for it.
Uncategorized | admin | 
February 17, 2010 7:32 am
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