I have a new acupuncturist. His name is Scott Cedeño*, and he’s supremely gifted, one of those healing artists who came to Earth for the express purpose of practicing his healing arts. We’ve done two sessions together, and Scott is optimistic about being a part of the team I’ve assembled to help me get the message of and release Type II Diabetes completely.
On Thursday when we did our second session, Scott asked me a question:
Are you willing to marshal all your resources to finish this imbalance?
He was quiet for a bit, and then he said gently, “I sense a little resistance to it.”
Since Thursday I haven’t been living with the question, I’ve been struggling with the question. My emotional reaction is, to put it mildly, argghhh. No other way to say it.
So even though I prefer to write on this page once I’ve already realized what I need to learn, I’m ignoring my preferences for the moment to make a point about human process.
I woke up this morning and had to tell my sweetie that something was bugging me, that it wasn’t/isn’t her fault, and that I didn’t/don’t want her to fix it. I just wanted her to listen to my thoughts as I spoke them aloud. It was less for her to hear than for me to hear myself. I need that sometimes.
So here’s where I am with Scott’s question:
I don’t know if I’m willing to marshal all my resources.
What does that look like? Are we talking … money, time, focus, energy, talent, what?
Here’s what I do know:
I’ve marshaled plenty of resources toward this imbalance in the past and 20 years later, it remains my daily companion.
I also know that allopathic medicine doctors caused this imbalance and that I’ve had to do some mammoth forgiveness work to let that go, which I have, except for the moments I haven’t.
I also know that I’ve spent a fortune on various alternative treatments that have improved my experience of the disease but not allowed me to release it.
I also know, and I don’t like admitting this, that I’m lazy in some areas.
There are things I could do right now to change the course of this dis-ease forever.
I could learn to cook vegan and completely change my diet.
I could quit eating dairy, meat, sugar—forever.
I could devote more than the hour I already do to exercise every day.
Here’s what else I know FOR NOW:
I don’t wanna.
That’s it. Nothing complicated. Nothing bizarrely motivated. Nothing that makes sense.
Do I have to do these things to marshal all my resources and release the imbalance?
I don’t know, but I do know this: I’m struggling with the question and have been ever since Scott asked it. I also know that I totally appreciate the fact that he asked it.
I’ve already begun doing one of Noah St. John’s famous afformations about the diabetes: Why am I free of diabetes?
I’m considering using another one:
Why is it so easy for me to be motivated to marshal my resources to release this imbalance?
The thing is that my conscious mind knows that eventually I’ll be able to eat sugar again. Eventually, I won’t have to exercise more. Eventually, eventually, eventually means that the commitment that’s being asked of me is only FOR NOW, and I still don’t feel motivated. Or, I’m still resisting being motivated. I don’t know why, and it’s not important.
What’s important is the essential nature of the question Scott asked me.
I plan to struggle with the question, wrassel it to the ground, hang with it, pummel it, wonder about it until I, like the poet Rilke recommends, can actually live the question, someday, right into its answer.
*If you want to work with Scott, you can find him at Visions Medical Center in Wellesley, Mass 781-431-1333. I cannot recommend him highly enough.